By Emily Crawford.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” (Perks of Being a Wallflower, 2012 film)
Confession time: I have a strange addiction to watching multifandom videos. For those reading this who may have no understanding of what these words mean, I shall enlighten. They are made by people who use a particular song or melody or theme combined with edited clips and images of their favourites movies, anime, TV shows etc. Multiple fandoms.
The quote from above was one I first heard on a multifandom video and its stuck on me ever since. I have never seen the movie adaptation or read the book but I’ve been told its certainly compelling for the millennial masses. But this quote has never, for me, been something that immediately brings my train of thought to The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Instead I’ve looked at my life, my relationships and especially my spiritual relationship with God. In all areas I find myself not pushing for more time with friends, not leaping into an extraordinary possibility that comes from a spontaneous opportunity. “I’m not that good… well they’re probably busy… they might not think it’s their thing…” The list goes on and on with excuses. So I sit at home and watch more multifandom videos. And what I’ve come up with at the root of this is a sense of unworthiness.
But in all seriousness, feeling unworthy is not uncommon. Especially in regards to God. I mean, we are sinners by nature and that is something that I feel makes me unworthy.
Have you ever bargained with God? “God I need to get this grade on this assignment. If you give me strength and the intellect to succeed, I’ll…” or perhaps even “Save me and I’ll...”. But the reality is that this is not receiving what God wants to give, it’s what we think we deserve to have because we fulfilled our part of the transaction. Romans 4 refers to salvation as a gift, not something as you work for.
Instead of trying to cover up with a good deed or even trying to paint on self-proclaimed righteousness, just accept it. You are made unworthy because of sin and the corruption it brings.
When I mention the multifandom videos earlier, I’ve never really introduced anyone to them. They can be cheesy, long winded or even just something that is meant to be seen alone. Or at least, that is what I’ve surmised. I’ve stifled any chance of sharing a stronger connection to any of my friends or family who may enjoy these because I feel like my little source of entertainment is obscure, weird and tacky. So I accept the relationship I have with them instead of deepening that connection by sharing a little bit about me.
In a similar way, God doesn’t want the part of you he bargained for, nor does he want to have to ‘sell’ you your salvation for a few choice good deeds. We may accept the love we think we deserve, but what we need to accept is the love and grace that God gives us in it’s entirety. God accepts us at our most raw and most tainted already and still he is giving salvation freely.
So maybe what we need to do is practice accepting ourselves as we are and try our best to let God in deeper.